A Girl's Pocket Guide to Trouser Trout

“Everything you can say about the rainbow doubles when the talk is of steelhead…. Fresh from the sea, he is spirit incarnate of wild waves and rushing rivers…. With your hook fixed to a steelhead you feel the fierceness of these characteristics in his driving runs, his passionate, high jumps to free himself, his rolling and twisting over the leader as his vibrant energy subsides. A battle with a steelhead is a memorable, soul-filling, and often frightening phenomenon.”
Larry Koller, The Treasury of Angling

The fish: A member of the rainbow family that runs to the sea, these fish have a strong migratory urge to roam far and wide. Native to the Pacific Coast and now found in the Great Lakes region, these trout have great stamina.

The man: Steelhead trout have the staying power to keep going until the angler is satisfied, even if they’ve reached the end of their spawning cycle. While their perpetual arousal can be a godsend to some women, others may find the endless appetite of steelhead trout to be a burden.

If he can’t get satisfaction at home, he may develop a migratory urge. His sexual prowess is a powerful lure for anglers who relish a good tussle.

“Despite the fact that the cutthroat has never been considered a notable fighter, he can leap as well as any rainbow of matching size…. The cutthroat is a true trout, endowed with all the wonderful and exciting characteristics a trout can have.”
Larry Koller, The Treasury of Angling

The fish: Native trout of the Western United States, distinguished by a trim profile and red throat slash markings on its lower jaw.

The man: Circumcised, which doesn’t have any bearing on age, race, personality, intelligence, financial status, or ambition. Circumcision, required in Jewish and Muslim religions, has been a popular practice in the United States, but now the pendulum seems to be swinging in the other direction.

Arguments abound regarding the effects of circumcision on sensitivity, hygiene, appearance, and general usefulness of the practice. However, it is a trout trait that will endure for the foreseeable future.

“The grayling is a gentleman adversary…. If a human quality can be ascribed to a fish, the grayling has true savoir faire.”
Larry Koller, The Treasury of Angling

The fish: Originally found around the Arctic and Northwest Territories, graylings are the second-oldest salmonid after whitefish. Silver-gray, cigar-shaped, with an elegantly flaring dorsal fin, they often give off an aroma of thyme. Graylings are fly-taking, sporting fish, sometimes difficult to fool.

The man: Guys who have lived long enough to go gray or go bald can be graylings, even if those with hair dye it another color. Graylings tell great stories, having experienced the world and heard endless jokes, and they know how to have fun.

While they may not give off an aroma of thyme, they’ll often have a collection of after-shaves in their medicine cabinets, gifts from children and grand-children. Charming, mannerly and bon vivant, they sometimes turn sour and become grumpy old men (see Other Fish In The Sea – Carp).

You may find that a combination of two, three or even four types of trout best describe the trouser trout swimming in your life. This is to be expected since most people do not fit neatly into any one category.

“The whitefish is deep and compressed…. It is not an exciting fish to catch and requires some planning for effective execution…. Whitefish does not hit the bait but sort of sucks it in, making it difficult for the fisherman to know when he has a strike.”
Jeremy Brown and John Power,
The Canadian Fisherman’s Handbook

The fish: Whitefish are the earliest ancestors of the salmonid species. Slender-bodied and herring-like, with colorless silver scales and deeply-forked tails, they favor deep cold waters in the Northern Hemisphere.

The man: Whitefish are usually too busy with what’s going on in their brains to work on a tan. Their considerable intellect may be expressed in words, numbers, art, computer programs, business, law, medicine, or science – almost any mental endeavor.

Often voracious readers, they’ll provide ample material for deep and wide-ranging conversations, providing they’re not so absorbed in their own thoughts that they don’t communicate at all.

“Unfortunately, he is not an outstanding fighter and he suffers a good deal from comparison with other members of the trout family…. In addition, the Dolly for years had an unsavory reputation along coastal waters for feeding on salmon spawn.”
Larry Koller, The Treasury of Angling

The fish: A Western form of the eastern brook trout or char, Dolly Varden are found in the deep waters of mountain lakes and coastal rivers. The fish was discovered in the 1840s when Charles Dickens’ novel Barnaby Rudge was popular. It is named after the heroine of the book who sported a lavender-spotted dress that matches this trout’s coloring. Major meat eaters, they chase other trout.

The man: While dressing like women doesn’t rule these trouser trout out of the heterosexual dating game, it does make a date look like Girls’ Night Out. Dolly Vardens are usually more interested in other trout than in female anglers.

Some of the hetero variety dress in manly garb with women’s lingerie underneath. Either way, they often have a sense of style, aesthetics, and female empathy that other types of trout don’t usually possess.