A Girl's Pocket Guide to Trouser Trout

Good footwear is an important piece of equipment in trouser trout angling. My brother the Dolly Varden says, “The higher the heel, the quicker the reel.”

He has a point. There’s a reason Frederick’s of Hollywood carries shoes and boots with five- and six-inch heels to complement their notorious outfits. Trouser trout find such footwear incredibly sexy – but trout don’t have to wear them.

I find even three-inch heels to be incredible torture devices. How can an angler concentrate on her leader lines when her feet and back hurt and she’s worried about twisting her ankle? My advice: get yourself some outrageous cowboy boots. We’re not talking about boring ropers or real work boots, but bright, multi-colored, pointy-toed creations.

Cowboy boots combine comfort and style in one great package that gets attention, starts conversations and makes you feel pretty darned sparky. In good cowboy boots, you can stand all day, dance all night, and still be smiling as you reel in your trout du jour.

Good sources include respected boot manufacturers like Nocona, Justin, Lucchese and Tony Lama, makers of stylin’ high-quality footwear, as well as smaller companies like Rocketbuster. There are also many individual boot makers who produce incredible handmade leather wonders.

One does not need to be the Imelda Marcos of cowboy boots. With proper care, one good pair of boots lasts a very long time, and they just get more comfortable with age. I personally have 13 pair, which is more than most people desire or need, but I build outfits around my boots.

Unless you’ve got the treasury of the Philippines at your disposal, finances may limit your collection. A decent pair of boots can cost anywhere from $200 to $600, and really fancy ones can cost thousands, depending on the detail involved. I’ve got a few thousand dollars invested in my cowboy boot collection. Gee, maybe I am the Imelda Marcos of cowboy boots.

Still, buying quality boots is well worthwhile because of the longwearing comfort and timeless style they provide.

Well-kept hair and appropriate makeup work incredibly well as trouser trout lures. For evidence of their effectiveness, peruse the pages of any women’s magazine, where cosmetics and hair care products comprise a big chunk of the companies advertising to garner your hard-earned dollars.

Hair and makeup is the mainstay of actors and performers, creating the looks that get burned into the public’s consciousness. The show doesn’t go on until the makeup does.

We all know makeup can go a long way to enhance your looks – most of the time. With the right touch, a face that blends in with the crowd will stand out. Catch that trout’s eye and you’re not far from getting a strike.

Beware, though, of a heavy hand with the powder and paint. Too much makeup makes you a caricature of a beautiful woman. Remember, clowns use makeup, too.

Many trouser trout think long hair is sexy, and given the choice will go for an angler with long hair before considering the woman with a shorter ‘do.

However, men don’t have to spend all that precious time every day blow-drying, curling and styling flowing tresses. Unless you really enjoy having long hair and the attendant exertions to keep your mane looking good, do yourself a favor and cut it short.

There are plenty of women who demonstrate that you can have short hair and a long line of lunkers – Gwyneth Paltrow, Jamie Lee Curtis, Isabella Rossellini, and Carmen Diaz come to mind.

Long hair is an incredible lure. I once had the experience of modeling for a press kit on hair extensions. In one afternoon, I exchanged short, perky, straight hair for a shoulder-length mane of dark curls. On the way home from the salon, I stopped in the grocery store to pick up a few items.

As I strolled down the aisle, tossing my head to test the unfamiliar feeling of long hair, men were literally stopping and staring after me. Out of the corner of my eye, I spied a fellow who backed up his cart to get another look. With my short hair, men didn’t stare much, let alone do double takes.

I met a most charming Frenchman while I had my artificially long hair. He was most dismayed when the extensions came out.

Long or short, keep your hair in good trim and wash it regularly. Stringy, dirty, unkempt hair is a major trouser trout repellent. Here’s a handy hint from Large Animal Land: Mane N’ Tail Conditioner, originally formulated for horses, fabulously conditions human hair, giving it body and shine beyond other hair care products I’ve tried.

Does she or doesn’t she? Most trout don’t care or want to know about hair coloring. If you’re an older angler and gray hair makes you feel out of the game, by all means color your hair a reasonable shade. Just don’t overdo it and become a member of the Screaming Orange Spinsters or the Blue-Haired Old Ladies’ Club.

Interesting jewelry does yeoman’s work to attract attention and start conversations. Cost is unimportant, as long as the jewelry is visually intriguing and has an engaging story behind it. Hand-crafted ornamentation with beads, glass, ceramics, and unusual metal objects will generally attract more attention than classic silver or gold accents.

Other good conversation-sparking candidates are Native American silver and semi-precious stone inlaid pieces, African beads, and pieces composed of various trinkets. If you’re after a classy look, by all means don the pearls or elegant gemstone jewelry. Necklaces and brooches will call attention to your chest, bracelets and rings to your hands, and earrings to your face.

Nose rings, eyebrow studs and other facial jewelry will generally work against all but the youngest anglers. Pierced body parts besides a few holes in the earlobes will attract similarly decorated guys. If that’s the type of trout you want to attract, pierce away! Throw in a few visible tattoos for good measure.

Just don’t expect any sympathy if you go crying to anyone when you reach middle age and realize what a fool you’ve been. Some of those holes may heal up, and some may not. Certainly the tattoos will last a long time, and if you have them removed, you’ll have some lovely scars to remember them by.

In fishing, attractors are flashy lures that attract the fish’s attention because they’re big and bright in eye-popping colors. To the fish underwater, the colors look muted and the form may resemble something a trout would actually eat. Even though they don’t imitate specific life forms, attractors will prompt a fish to strike with abandon.

Humans are almost the only species on earth in which the female presents herself more colorfully than the male. For trouser trout anglers, the right colors in clothing and accessories serve as powerful attractors.

You may have sneered at the concept of learning your colors, but trust me, it works amazingly well. Dressed in the wrong colors, an otherwise perky angler becomes drab, lifeless and invisible. While dressed in the right colors, she crackles with energy and magnetism, and people will notice.

Personally, as a dark brunette with pale skin, I know for a fact that pastels and browns make me feel frumpy and look ill. But when dressed in crisp, bright colors or black and white, I’m ready to tackle anything!

The energy and enthusiasm you can get from wearing your correct colors, beyond their function as an attractor lure, make them well worth learning. Put attractor colors to work for you and you’ll be amazed at their drawing power.

The book Color Me Beautiful provides helpful guidelines to determine your personal color category, described as a season. Author Carole Jackson shows how your skin tone, hair and eye color determine what colors look best on you. Here’s a quick sketch of the seasons and their colors:

Winters sparkle in clear, vivid, cool colors with blue undertones, black, white, navy, shades of gray and bright primary colors.

Summers shine in soft colors with blue undertones, shades of blue and rose, lavender, plum and pastels.

Autumns glow in warm colors with golden undertones, like brown, beige, orange, gold and shades of green.

Springs shimmer in peachy and golden colors with yellow undertones, clear warm colors like bright blues, yellow and pink.